Tuesday, June 7, 2011
so I'm back again :~) finally!!
The day after my last post was a life changing day/night/event that I can only say I survived and my friends and family somehow dragged me through. The most terrifying event I have ever been witness/victim/survivor of.
As a result,
I learnt above anything that I have some of the most awesome friends in the world that really are there when I needed them.
I learned that I could go to the very edge of the cliff and teeter on the brink and not fall off ~ though heaven knows why I didn't.
I saw the fear in my parents eyes, and my friends about me, and because I felt it too I couldn't do anything about it. For once I was too vulnerable to protect them.
I saw fear translate into anger in people around me and I was scared. I was too scared about me to feel anger until after it was over.. the whole thing - court and the press...
I gave up alcohol and couldn't eat, couldn't swallow.. and yet I could just about function in the workplace. Odd!
I wanted to die and yet had very little choice but to continue to exist.. without seeing a future.
I have never been so scared in my life.
never been so scarred,
and yet I lived.. and my family lived.
That to me is a miracle.
I learned that the end of life isn't always measured in days, or hours, or minutes, but in seconds... the most terrifying moment of revelation ever...
I learned that I was lucky.
That somehow we escaped... and with faith in ourselves and our family we could learn to live again, pick up the pieces, and carry on
that I could trust people, even strangers again, even though it took courage to do it.
That in December I couldn't imagine that June would exist and yet here we are
and that the essence of me is still me...
that my kids have been amazing, that we have literally been to hell and come back again..
through sheer determination and belief in ourselves and one another.
Through talking, sharing, helping one another, being sensitive to one another's needs... and persistently refusing to let anyone take our vital life force away from us...
we discovered and relearned that life is indeed for living
I'm not so daft that I don't know we have hurdles ahead - anniversaries, the unexpected encounter and things we haven't considered...
and yet I do feel that we have found our footing again... thanks to so many people - some who know and some who I have yet to thank for their part.
We aren't strong on our own...
sometimes we need our friends and family and connections to hold us when we can't hold ourselves...
BUT at the end of it all, I'm still here, and life is good...
There is colour and fun, and fire and beauty, and friends and sparkle, and a now for us to enjoy in freedom.
That even though perspective can, and most certainly does wane over time, life is all the sweeter for what could have been - and thankfully wasn't...
That the rainbow is indeed still there... :~)